A Funny Thing Happened
by the random monkey
Summary: A series of one-chapter stories, replete with insanity. Number 8: And they all lived happily ever after... Warning: major ending spoilers!
1. A buh?

Title: A funny thing happened...

Author: the random monkey

Date: 5-19-'03 (in about 1 hr.)

Author's notes: Well, it seems I'm best at short, pointless, insane fics, so that's what I'm doing. Here's a cute little story about what black mages do in private. And it's still PG-13! That should tell you something...

This is a semi-original idea, in that there's one of these for every universe out there (and several for some), but I haven't seen one for FFIX yet. Enjoy! I own nothing.

*******

Garnet was waiting at the entrance to the castle as Vivi and his family arrived by airship. They all walked down the gangplank one by one: Vivi, Little Zidane, Chibi Eiko, Mini Freya, Young Garnet, and... Someone new? Another black mage she had never seen before.

"Hi, Garnet!" said Vivi, running up to her. "I hope you don't mind, but I brought a friend. This is Mr. 314," he said, gesturing to the new mage.

"How do you do?" Mr. 314 said, bowing to Garnet.

"It's nice to meet you, Mr. 314," said Garnet. "Eiko, Zidane and Freya are already here. Dinner will be in an hour, so Sir Ludo will show you to... oh..."

"What is it?" asked Vivi.

"Well... I wasn't expecting another person, so we're one guest room short," explained Garnet.

"That's okay," said Vivi. "Mr. 314 and I can share a room."

"Are you sure?" asked Garnet.

"Sure," said Vivi. "We stay over at each other's houses all the time at home."

"Okay," said Garnet. "I'll see you all in a little while."

Later, Garnet was walking down the guest hall when she heard a voice.

"Can I see it yet?"

Garnet stopped. The voice was coming from Vivi's room.

"Okay.... But just for a little while," Garnet heard Vivi say. "Garnet said dinner will be soon." There was some rustling, like clothes were being moved around.

"Oooh," said the other voice- Mr. 314, Garnet realized.

"C'mon, it's not like you haven't seen it before," said Vivi.

Garnet gasped. _They're not talking about what I think they are- Are they?_ she thought. She kneeled down on the floor and sat, listening.

"Can I- you know- play with it?" asked Mr. 314.

"Of course," replied Vivi. 

Just then, Eiko came walking down the hall. "Hey, Gar-" Garnet clamped her hand over Eiko's mouth.

"Why do you like playing with mine so much? Don't you have one?" Vivi's voice came through the door.

"No... I think I used to, but I lost mine before I ever woke up."

"Oh... Sorry."

Garnet removed her hand, and Eiko mouthed, "What's going on?"

Garnet shook her head and shrugged.

"But I know what I would've had, and mine was never as good as yours," continued Mr. 314. "Yours is so big and long."

Eiko's eyes widened, and she clapped her own hand over her mouth to keep from squealing.

"And it's so hard!" Mr. 314 said. "You could beat someone up with this!"

"I have before," said Vivi.

Freya walked by, then stopped and walked back to where Garnet and Eiko were kneeling. "What are you-"

"Shhh!" said Garnet and Eiko.

"So... Can you do those tricks you do with it?" asked Vivi. 

Mr. 314 gave a small giggle. "You really like it when I do that, don't you?" he asked.

"I don't know why..." said Vivi, sounding embarrassed. "It just makes me feel happy for some reason."

Freya raised her eyebrows, and without a word, kneeled down next to Garnet and Eiko.

"How about... this trick?" said Mr. 314.

"Oooh!" Vivi squealed. "I like that one!" 

Eiko clapped her other hand over her mouth as Chibi Eiko walked up to them. "Hey, why are you all just sitting here?" he asked.

"Chibi Eiko... You shouldn't hear this!" whispered Garnet.

"Hear what?" asked Chibi Eiko.

"Oh, wow... That one was great!" said Vivi.

"How about... This one?" said Mr. 314.

Freya stared intently at the floor, Eiko started to hyperventilate, and Garnet turned so red she looked like a tomato.

"What?" asked Chibi Eiko. "They're just playing with my dad's staff."

"Is that what they call it these days?" muttered Freya.

"You mean, they've done this before?" asked Garnet.

"Of course," said Chibi Eiko. "I've watched them do it before."

"Oh, my God," said Garnet.

"I'm gonna be sick," said Freya.

Chibi Eiko gave them all a strange look. "What's the big deal? Everyone in the Village does it. Mr. 314 even gives lessons! He's teaching me and my brothers lots of cool tricks!"

"You know," Vivi's voice came from in the room, "we should invite everybody to come watch you after dinner. I bet they'd love it."

Freya, Garnet and Eiko looked at each other open-mouthed.

"I bet Freya would like it best," continued Vivi. "I've seen how she handles staffs. She's almost as good as you." 

"That's it!" said Freya loudly. She stood up and opened the door, shouting, "Vivi Ornitier, you are one sick fu-" She stopped.

Vivi was sitting on the bed, a half-unpacked suitcase next to him. Mr. 314 was standing in the middle of the room with Vivi's High Mage Staff, twirling it like a baton.

"Hey, you guys!" said Vivi. "We were just talking about you! Watch what Mr. 314 can do. He's really good." Mr. 314 threw the staff up in the air so that it spun horizontally about a foot above his head, then caught it.

"Isn't that neat?" said Vivi. "It's called a parallel toss."

Garnet and Eiko fell on the floor, laughing.

Freya turned and left silently.

Chibi Eiko said, "Daddy, your friends are weird," then went on down the hall. 


	2. Once Upon a Daquiri

Title: Once Upon a Daquiri  
  
Author: the random monkey  
  
Date: Veeery early on 9-6-03  
  
A.N.: At end  
  
Vivi Ornitier looked down at the cup being held out in front of him. "Are you sure?" he asked, looking up.  
  
Zidane Tribal, the holder of the cup in question, smiled broadly. "You got kids, right? If you got kids, you gotta be old enough!" he said, his words slurring slightly.  
  
Vivi paused. He really wasn't sure, never having done anything like this before, but then again, Zidane was one of his best friends, and Vivi trusted him with his life.  
  
Vivi and Zidane were standing next to the bar of the pub in Alexandria. They were all having a party to celebrate Zidane's return, and most of the people were getting very, very drunk.  
  
Finally, Vivi reached out and took the cup. "What did you say it was called?" he asked, still rather nervous.  
  
"Bananana..na..na..... Uh, daquiri," slurred Zidane.  
  
Vivi stared down at the cup, working up his courage. Then, taking a deep breath, he took a tiny sip. It tasted pretty good, actually; fruity, with only a hint of the alcohol's bitter taste. Encouraged, Vivi took a bigger drink.  
  
Zidane started laughing. "Ladies and gentleman, and Steiner!" he yelled, holding his hands up in an attempt to quiet everyone assembled. "Our little Vivi is now a man!"  
  
Vivi smiled a little, looking down at the floor, embarrassed. He took another drink from the cup.  
  
Half an hour later...  
  
"It's no fair!" said Eiko. "How come you get to drink and I don't?"  
  
"You jussh don' understan' eikoko..ko," said Vivi. "'Cause, ya gotta understan' black mages, we aren' like you, y'know? 'Cause we can do magic an' shtuff. We can do magic! We can have anything that we deshire!" Vivi began to sing very out of tune.  
  
Eiko looked surprised. "Vivi? Are you okay?"  
  
"I'm GRRRREAT!" said Vivi. "Why? Do I look shick or shomeshin'?"  
  
Eiko rolled her eyes. "Vivi, you've never been this loud before in your life You're making everybody stare."  
  
"oh, yeah, yeah,yeah!" said Vivi. "well let me essplain shomeshin', kiddo." He began to sing again.  
  
*Someone's being bashful  
  
That's no way to be  
  
Not with me  
  
Can't you see?*  
  
Eiko looked around the room. Understandably, more people were starting to stare, as Vivi launched into his number.  
  
*That I am just as embarrassed as you  
  
And I can understand your point of view?*  
  
Vivi paused, and for a moment Eiko entertained the hope that he would stop. Alas, he was just pausing long enough to jump up on the bar, and then he proceeded to belt out the next line.  
  
*I've always been SHY!*  
  
Everyone in the room was staring now.  
  
*I confess that I'm SHY!  
  
Can't you guess that this confident air  
  
Is a mask that I wear 'cause I'm shy?*  
  
Vivi began to prance around on the bar as he sang. Several of the more drunk patrons started cheering him on.  
  
*And you can be sure  
  
Way down deep I'm demure  
  
Though some people I know may deny it  
  
At bottom I'm quiet and pure!*  
  
Zidane and Freya were lounging on the far end of the bar.  
  
"How much did you give him?" Freya asked Zidane.  
  
"One banananana dakukari! Issn' that great!?" Zidane started laughing insanely, then thrust his mug of ale into the air, slopping it all over. "Way to go, Vivi!"  
  
*I'm aware that it's wrong to be meek as I am  
  
My chances may pass me by  
  
I pretend to be strong, but as weak as I am  
  
All I can do is try  
  
God knows I try  
  
Though I'm frightened and shy  
  
And despite the impression I give  
  
I confess that I'm living a lie*  
  
He walked over and, leaning down, put an arm around Zidane's shoulders.  
  
*Because I'm actually terribly timid*  
  
"He's timid..." harmonized Zidane.  
  
*And horribly shy!  
  
**DANCE BREAK**  
  
Break Dancing. 'Nuff said.  
  
*Vivi: Oh that was WONDERFUL!  
  
And that is why  
  
Though I'm painfully shy  
  
I'm insane to know which sir, You sir?*  
  
Vivi pointed at Sir Ludo.  
  
*Ludo: Not I sir  
  
Vivi: Then who sir  
  
Where sir and when sir  
  
I couldn't be tenser  
  
So let's get this done man  
  
Get on with the fun man  
  
I am one man  
  
Drunken People: The lady's one man  
  
All: Shy!*  
  
Vivi passed out.  
  
Eiko looked at Vivi, lying passed out on the bar, then ran over to Regent Cid and Lady Hilda. Trying to grab both of them at once, she started crying. "Thank you, Thank you THANK YOU for not letting me drink!"  
  
AH HA HA! Yeah, this song, I don't know why, always makes me think of Vivi. But, well, I figured a strong dose of alcohol is about the only thing that could ever get Vivi (or anyone for that matter) to sing songs from "Once Upon A Mattress" willingly. 


	3. Crisis!

Title: Crisis

Author: the random monkey

Date: 9-12-03

Author's notes: *Reads through* Wow. This is quite possibly the worst thing I've ever written. This is worse than the first two chapters. Worse than Ron's pizza story. Worse than "Sailor Moon P." Worse than that story I wrote in crayon on my birth certificate when I was five… Well, let's post it!  
P.S. Five hundred points for whoever gets the bad computer references.  


The sun had set by the time Vivi stumbled home.  
"Hello!" called Vivi's friend, Mr. 314, as Vivi walked in. "How was your day?"  
"Terrible," said Vivi, flopping into a chair. "We couldn't find Mr. 404, Mr. 403 wouldn't let us in, and Mr. 500 was busy all day!"  
"Aww," said Mr. 314, walking over and giving Vivi a hug. "Is there anything I can get you, hon?"  
"Yeah!" said Vivi, perking up a little. "I would love a peanut butter and jelly sandwich."  
"No problem," said Mr. 314. He walked into the kitchen, and the sound of cabinets and drawers opening could be heard. Then suddenly...  
CRASH!  
Vivi jumped up and ran into the kitchen. Mr. 314 was standing, staring in horror at an open cabinet, a shattered jelly jar at his feet.  
"W-what is it?" stuttered Vivi.  
Mr. 314 moved his mouth, but no sound came out. He continued staring at the cabinet.  
Vivi rushed over to see what Mr. 314 was staring at. He looked into the cabinet and he, too, gasped, and stood paralyzed with shock and fear....  
"No peanut butter," whispered Mr. 314 finally.   
"NOOOOOO!" Vivi screamed, falling to his knees and sobbing.  
Mr. 314 closed his eyes and pressed the heels of his palms against his eyes. "This is not happening. This is not happening...."  
Vivi suddenly became very quiet and curled into the fetal position. "How do you prove peanut butter exists? Maybe it doesn't exist... Maybe none of us do..."  
"No!" shouted Mr. 314. He pulled Vivi to his feet and started shaking him violently.  
"Snap out of it! It's going to be okay!"  
Vivi began to cry again. "I'm so scared..."  
"Me, too," said Mr. 314, hugging Vivi tightly. "But we'll make it. We'll get through this... Together."  
Orchestra music swelled around them, and Mr. 314 began to sing:  
  
_And we can build this dream together _

_Standing strong forever _

_Nothing's gonna stop us now_  


Vivi joined in:  
  
_And if this world runs out of lovers_

_We'll still have each othe- Cut, cut!_  
  
Bells rang as the director, Chris Columbus called, "Okay, take five!"  
He walked up to Vivi. "What is it? Is there a problem?"  
Vivi reached up to his neck and pulled off a mask to reveal....  
BUM BUM BUM! *Organ Chord*  
....Macaulay Culkin!  
"Chris, I just... I... I'm not comfortable with this scene. I mean, peanut butter as the cause of an existential crisis? Is this for real?"  
"No, actually," said Chris, sheepishly. "What you gotta realize, Macaulay-"  
"IT'S MR, CULKIN TO YOU!"  
"Mr. Culkin," Chris corrected himself. "The thing is, we don't really have a choice-"  
"Hey, what's up?" Mr. 314 walked over, taking off his mask to reveal...  
BUM BUM BUM!  
.... Robert De Niro!  
"Maca-Uh, Mr. Culkin is having a little script trouble," said Chris.   
"Oh, yeah?" asked Robert, looking at Macaulay.  
Macaulay gulped. "Uh, just need some inspiration."  
"Inspiration?! The kid who made a living off of slappin' his cheeks and screamin' needs inspiration?! I'll give ya inspiration, kid! There's a fanfic author out there with an Island Of Incredibly Unpleasant Things at her disposal, and if you don't get over there and sing, she's gonna use that island! So get over there and sing, so we can get the hell outta here! Got it?!" Robert stalked back onto the set, pulling on his mask and muttering something that sounded like, "Wish the robbers won."  
"Oookay," said Chris. Macaulay skulked back to his place, putting his own mask back on. "Peanut Butter sketch, Take Two! Action!"  
  
  
Orchestra music swelled around them, and Mr. 314 began to sing:  
  
_And we can build this dream together  
Standing strong forever  
Nothing's gonna stop us now  
_  
Vivi joined in:  
  
_And if this world runs out of lovers  
We'll still have each other  
Nothing's gonna stop us, nothing's gonna stop us now…  
_

~owari~


	4. I Want to Be Your Mattress

Title: I Want To Be Your Mattress  
Author: the random monkey  
Date: 10-9-03'  
Author's Notes:  
Instead of "I Want to Be Your Canary" (again), this year's play is "Once Upon a Mattress!" And instead of Tantalus, this play will be acted out by our heroes and a few dead villains! Why? Plot convenience!  
I don't know why I'm so obsessed with this musical recently. It's a good show, but still... Eh, whatever. Enjoy! I own nothing.  
  
(The orchestra plays a fanfare as the curtain rises. Nothing happens. The orchestra plays a fanfare again. Nothing happens. The orchestra plays a fanfare one more time, and a very frightened-looking Black Mage tumbles onto the stage as if he'd been pushed. The mage picks himself up, adjusts his hat, looks at the audience, and freezes. The orchestra begins playing the first song, and the mage runs offstage.)  
(Behind the scenes:  
Vivi: I-I can't remember my lines!  
Zidane: Just ad-lib it! (He pushes Vivi back out on stage.))  
Vivi: (shaky) U-um..  
Audince: Awww!  
Vivi: (encouraged): Um, this is a story about a princess who wanted to get married. But her mom wouldn't let her. The mom wanted to test the prince- no, wait, first the mom said none of the princes were good enough. That's why she wanted to test them. She would make the princes sleep on matresses, and if they fell asleep, she said they weren't real princes. No, wait- it was if they fell asleep on matresses that had peas under them. Oh, that still doesn't make sense... (adjusts hat)  
Audience: Awww...  
Vivi: But, it doesn't matter, because the story's not true. We're going to tell the real story. (Runs offstage)  
  
(Scene changes to chamber in castle, where many people are gathered to watch QUEEN BRAHNE test BLANK.)  
Queen Brahne: Question the first! What is the name of Regent Cid's brother's uncle's cousin-twice-removed's roommate in college?  
Blank: (thinks for a moment) Maternal uncle or paternal?  
Queen Brahne: Maternal.  
Blank: He didn't have one! He never went to college!  
Queen Brahne: (Checks card with question on it; looks up.) GUARDS! TAKE HIM AWAY!  
Garnet: But mother... He got it right...  
Brahne: Oh, pish-posh, dear. Real princes know better than to wear belts as headgear. (Leaves)  
Crowd: We can't have sex until the princess gets married! (They cry.)  
  
(Scene changes to another room. QUINA drags VIVI onstage.)  
Quina: (points to Vivi) He minstrel!  
Vivi: Eep! (Hides behind Quina)  
Audience: Awwww...  
Vivi: (beams, comes out of hiding)  
Quina: I royal chef!  
Vivi: Um... don't you mean jester?  
Quina: ROYAL CHEF!  
Vivi: Eep! (hides)  
Audeince: Awww...  
Kuja: (strolls out) And I'm the king!  
Audience: Aw-wait a minute...  
Quina: King no can talk!  
Kuja: Oh, right. (points to self, makes motion of putting on crown)  
Quina: He say he king!  
Vivi: (peering from hiding place) this is where we sing a song about the king and the jester and I...  
Quina: ROYAL CHEF! (Chases Vivi offstage)  
Kuja: (makes 'they're crazy' motion)  
Heckler: Look who's talking, thong-boy!  
Kuja: Ultima. (Heckler's head explodes)  
  
(Scene changes to STEINER and BEATRIX)  
Beatrix: Remember that night when we went and parked on Lover's Lane in your Volkswagon, and listened to Journey songs you'd taped off the radio?  
Steiner: Of course, my love!  
Beatrix: Well... We're gonna have a baby!  
Steiner: Cool!  
Beatrix: No it's not! The princess hasn't found a groom yet, remember? And the law says, "No hoogie-boogie-dee 'till Garnet gets a weddin' ring." So if she doesn't get married before people find out...   
Steiner: I see... Never fear, my love! I shall find a prince suitable for our princess! (Leaves)  
Beatrix: Thank God he forgot about the song! That man's voice is punishable by death in some countries!  
  
(Scene changes back to CASTLE CHAMBER)  
Vivi: (walks in; waits)  
Audience: (silent)  
Vivi: Ahem!  
Audience: (gets the idea) Awww!  
Vivi: So... Sir Steiner brought back a prince.  
(SIR STEINER enters room, followed by PRINCE ZIDANE)  
Steiner: (kneels before Garnet) Milady, I have found a lad worthy of your hand.  
Zidane: (Belches, scratches crotchial area)  
Garnet: KAKKOI! (Glomps Zidane)  
Brahne: YOU SWAM THE MOAT?!  
Zidane: No.  
Brahne: Oh...  
  
(Scene switches to Brahne's chambers, with Dr. Tot)  
Brahne: We must think of a test that looks fair, sounds fair, seems fair... and isn't fair! I know! Order a gallon of chocolate syrup and some whipped cream... And twenty matresses!  
Dr. Tot: (gets nosebleed, runs out of room)  
Brahne: (not realizing Tot is gone) Then have the kitchen make me an ice cream sundae, and do that whole "Princess and the Pea" deal on Prince Zidane!  
  
(Scene changes to Castle Chamber. Garnet is getting to know Zidane.)  
Garnet: (shyly) So... You come here often?  
Zidane: No. (Farts loudly)  
Garnet: (sighs dreamily)  
Zidane: So, if we're gonna get married, there's two things you should know. One: You can do whatever you want with me and my stuff, but STAY AWAY FROM MY BUDWEISER! Second, don't call me Zidane. Call me by my nickname.  
Garnet: Ziddy?  
Zidane: No.  
Garnet: Dane?  
Zidane: No.  
Garnet: Then what?  
Zidane: Pimp Daddy Z!  
Garnet: (melts) Sugoi...  
  
(Scene changes to a random group of townsfolk)  
Group: Quiet! Quiet! the Queen insists on quiet!  
She's ordered twenty mattresses, the softest and the best,  
and she's threatened execution if we dare disturb the rest  
of her very special guest. She's ordered quiet, quiet, the queen insist on quiet-  
Brahne: All right, already, they get it! Now get the mattresses together!  
(the group brings in twenty mattresses)  
Brahne: (Brings out pea, puts it under mattresses) Heheheh... (gradually gets louder) That monkey-tailed twit is bound to fall asleep! Go, Brahne! It's your birthday!  
Group: Huh?  
Brahne: NONE OF YOU HEARD THAT!  
Group: Bravo, bravo, bravissimo! (Several male townspeople shriek)  
Brahne: KUJA! KNOCK IT OFF!  
  
(Scene changes to Zidane's room, where he is talking to Garnet)  
Zidane: So what's this test gonna be like?  
Garnet: I don't know. It's been different for every prince. (Gets faraway look) Mother's been acting so strange recently... I'd like to find some way to get to Lindblum and talk to my Uncle Cid about it...  
Zidane: (Sneezes, wipes nose on arm) Yeah, good luck with that.  
Garnet: (dreamily) Kawaii yo ne...  
  
(scene changes to Kuja and Garnet)  
Garnet: Daddy... Since I'm getting married and all, don't you think it's time to talk about... You know...  
***WE INTERRUPT THIS PROGRAM TO BRING YOU A SPECIAL BULLETIN***  
Actually, we just couldn't find a way to do this part and still keep a PG rating. On with the show!  
  
(Scene changes to Castle Chamber, where twenty mattresses have been stacked)  
Queen Brahne: Good night, prince. (laughs evilly; leaves)  
Vivi: (tiptoeing in, whispering) She's gone.  
Zidane: (jumping out of bed) WOOHOOO! I FEEL HAPPY! (runs so fast he is halfway up the wall before he falls down)  
Vivi: This portion of our program is brought to you by Mountain Dew. (Holds up can) Do the Dew!  
Audience: Awww...  
  
(Scene chages to the next day)  
Brahne: (eagerly) So how long did you sleep for?  
Zidane: I didn't.   
Brahne: WHAAAAT?!  
Zidane: Well, see, I'd just gotten past the Forest of Illusion Fortress, and I figured, wha tthe hell, might as well beat the fifth castle, right? And after that, I thought, well, I'll just play to the Choco Ghost house, then it was the sixth castle, then the Valley of Bo-  
Brahne: ENOUGH! GUARDS!  
Garnet: NO! (Summons Ramuh on Brahne)  
Zidane: Why didn't you just do that in the first place?  
Garnet: Because, until now, I didn't know what true love was.   
Zidane: Oh. (Starts picking lint form bellybutton)  
Garnet: WAI! (Rubs against Zidane)  
  
~owari~  
  



	5. FF9, DiC style

  
Title: What FFIX Would Be Like if DIC Brought it Over  
Author: the random monkey  
Date: Sometime in early November  
Author's notes: I really have nothing to say about this, as this is self-explanatory. But please, please, PLEASE, read "Being," my serious fic. It's about three black mages who wake up, and what they do after that. I really want feedback on it, but nobobdy's given me a review for the last two chapters. Please, if you like this, read my serious (but not angsty) story, "Being."  


(The FFIX group is assembled in a boardroom. A man in a suit and tie stands at the front.)

Man in Suit and Tie: First, I want to thank you all for coming. We at Dic are very interested in localizing your game for an American audience; we think that, with a few minor tweaks, this game will do very well, and we've gathered you all here today to tell you about a few changes we wish to make. 

Garnet: (To Zidane) Who's this "we" he keeps talking about?

Zidane: (shrugs)

MiST: First, we have a few minor character adjustments we'd like to make.

Amarant: (snorts) Character adjustments?

MiST: You see, there are some cultural points that we feel American players, whom, as we all know, are all young children, would not understand. 

Amarant: (snorts) Whatever.

MiST: Ahem. First, Zidane. We feel that the role of thief would be an… inappropriate one for a game's main protagonist.

Zidane: Oh?

MiST: Yes. And we'd like to change your role to… Crossing Guard.

Zidane: (almost falls out of chair) What?!

MiST: And your command will change from "Thievery" to "Ask Nicely."

Zidane: (sputters for a moment) What orifice did you pull that one out of?!

MiST: We feel it fits with your character's role of escorting the princess to safety. And speaking of the princess! (looks at Garnet) 

Garnet: (gulps) 

MiST: We feel that a princess will attract more females 3-8. However, we are concerned about your manner.

Garnet: …Manner?

MiST: You see, American kids are used to Britney Spears, not Princess Di. So from now on, you will speak like a Valley Girl.

Garnet: I, like, totally cannot believe this! Gag me with a spoon!

MiST: And you must glomp Zidane whenever he walks into a room.

Garnet: (Glomps Zidane)

Zidane: Heh… I like this part.

MiST: Oh, I forgot to mention… Zidane, you no longer have a sex drive.

Zidane: NOOOOO! YOU'VE TURNED ME INTO STEINER!

MiST: Oh, not at all. For you see… (Turns to Steiner, who blanches) Steiner is now S-Daddy, rap star.

Steiner: You straight trippin', boo! I ain't down with this shizzle!

MiST: That's the spirit! Next, Vivi…

Vivi: (tries to hide in jacket)

MiST: Vivi, you are now a wise, sharp-tongued fifty-year-old British woman who travels with the group to act as a chaperone. 

Vivi: Why, this is outrageous! I am simply incensed by this folderol!

Eiko: (giggles) 

MiST: Ah, yes, Eiko!

Eiko: Crap.

MiST: You are now Garnet's pet squirrel.

Eiko: (chatters and throws nuts at MiST)

MiST: Quina! There have been some concerns about your gender… We can't expose children to the idea of hermaphroditism, you know... And always talking about munchies could be construed as a veiled drug reference.

Quina: So? I do what I want! You have problem?

MiST: Yes, actually, we do have problem. And from now on, you will be a fashion-conscious cheerleader.

Quina: But that almost same as Garnet!

MiST: Yes! Exactly! The two of you are inseparable friends!

Quina: (to Garnet) You want go to mall, buy thongs?

MiST: Good, but try it again with "slacker pants."

Quina: (to Garnet) You want go to mall, buy slacker pants?

MiST: Excellent! Which brings me to Amarant. Now, some parents might object to the term "Flaming…"

Amarant: (snorts) Whatever. I'm too cool for that name.

MiST: Yes! That's exactly the attitude we want to capture! Cool to the bone!

Amarant: (snorts) There's nothing you could possibly do to make me cooler.

MiST: Oh, I beg to differ. You'll be cooler than cool… as Zidane's lovable-loser best bud!

Amarant: (snorts; walks over to put his arm around Zidane's shoulders, tripping several times in the process.)

MiST: And that's all…

(A sigh of relief is heard from the other end of the table)

MiST: …Except for Kuja!

Kuja: Damn!

MiST: Now, questions have been raised about your appearance and sexuality… So we're going to dodge them all and make you a woman.

Kuja: I thought you said you were going to change my character?

Everyone: What?!

Kuja: Nothing! Nothing at all!

MiST: In closing, your game will now be about collecting jellybeans from friendly woodland creatures. See ya on the release date! (Walks out of room, cackling evilly) 

Amarant: (snorts as MiST walks out) Hey, Zidane, my best buddy… Wanna go beat him down?

Zidane: (Pulls out stop sign) Oh, I'll go medieval on his ass…

Garnet: Like, totally!

Steiner: Word, yo! Straight up!

Vivi: Let us kick his bloody arse!

Eiko: Squeak squeaker squeak squeaker!

Quina: I show him cheerleader…

Kuja: Almost giving away my secret… He must die!

Everyone: (stares at Kuja)

Kuja: (blinks for a moment, then) Let's kick some ass!

Everyone: Yay! (Run out of room)


	6. Rochambeau

Title: Rochambeau  
Author: the random monkey  
Date: 11-16-04  
Author's notes: Did the people of the Mist Continent ever find out about the Black Mage Village? Who would have told them, and how? The title comes from the episode of South Park called Mega-Streisand, which is one of my favorites.   
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
"People of Alexandria!" shouted Queen Garnet to the crowd below, "I give you Sir Vivi Ornitier, Knight of Alexandria!"  
A modest applause came up from the crowd below as Vivi stepped to the edge of the balcony. He looked down at the mass of people, and was quickly overwhelmed by the combination of two of his greatest fears- crowds and heights. He gulped and stepped back, looking at Garnet behind him, who rushed up.  
"Don't be scared," she said, as if sensing the source of his trepidation. "These people respect you."  
Vivi wasn't at all sure of that, but he still nodded and whispered a hoarse thanks, before stepping forward again. The crowd stared impatiently up at him.  
"P-people of Alexandria!" he called in his most commanding voice, which, needless to say, was not terribly commanding. "I c-come b-b-before you t-to sp-sp-speak of a v-v-ery important m-matter!"  
He closed his eyes for a moment, taking a deep breath. It's not so bad, he told himself. I'm doing something important, and besides, it'll be over with soon...  
He opened his eyes. "M-many of you m-may have heard r-rumors of escaped Black M-mages living o-on the O-outer Continent. I am here t-t-to confirm th-those reports."  
The crowd murmured below as Vivi continued. "B-but these mages are different! The mages used in the war were... were puppets, who couldn't think for themselves o-or do anything without being told to. But these other mages are different."  
The crowd was abuzz by now, all the people talking to all the other people about the crazy things this Black Mage boy was saying.  
"U-um... Excuse me!" said Vivi, trying to regain the people's attention. "H-hey! Excuse me!"  
Garnet stepped up next to him. "My people, I implore you to listen to all that Sir Vivi has to say before passing judgement." The crowd reluctantly quieted, and Vivi gave Garnet a grateful look before turning back to the assembly.   
"The mages on the Outer Continent are different," he continued. "They don't follow orders any more. They're not puppets. They-they... Well, they're a lot like you and me. They live in houses and grow gardens and have friends. They like to go swimming when it's hot, just like the rest of us. A-and they get cold in winter, like us."  
The group was murmuring softly again, but this time the chatter had a more accepting tone.  
Vivi smiled. "Th-they're just like us. They work during the day, and sleep on beds of animal furs at night. They like spicy food. They like to burn weeds and breathe the smoke. They consider raw flesh to be a delicacy."  
A sudden hush fell over the crowd.  
"They like to travel to new places. They like to hide in alleys and give candy to children. They like to send anonymous, threatening letters to random people. Just like you or me!"  
Garnet rushed up to Vivi. "Vivi, I think that's enou-"  
"They like to track wild animals and kill them by ripping open their necks and drinking the blood. They like to kick each other in the crotch and see who falls down first. They're normal people, just like all of us!"  
Garnet managed to shove her way in front of Vivi. "Thankyousirvivforthatinformationandthankyouallforcominggoodbye!" she called, then turned around dragging Vivi with her.  
"What's wrong?" asked Vivi worriedly, as Garnet pulled him along. "D-did I say something bad?"  
  



	7. Evil Vivi

Title: Evil Vivi  
Author: the random monkey  
Date:  
Author's Notes: This is a much more intellectual story than the other chapters. I won't insult my audience's intelligence, but if people review me and say they don't get it, I'll add an explanation to the end.  
Please be aware that I have nothing against Evil Vivi stories. I think they're fun; I've never read one I didn't like. But that doesn't mean I can't poke fun at them. If you really have a problem with that, look at this not as a parody, but as a satire exploring the state of American mental healthcare as a whole, and the attitude of society in general toward the mentally ill. Try listening to Phil Collins' "Take Me Home" while reading it to get the full liberal outrage effect. Enjoy! I own nothing,  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*  
We're there wherever trouble's starting  
We're rebels without a clue  
We drink milk right from the carton  
And keep our library books 'till they're way overdue  
-Weird Al Yankovic, "Young, Dumb and Ugly"  
~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  


* * *

  
  
"Ooh! It's starting!" squealed Vivi, with the kind of enthusiasm that only a nine-year-old boy could show.  
Zidane stared up into the sky. The moon, full and bright, was beginning to wane, a deep shadow creeping over its face.  
"It's beautiful," said a melodic voice. Zidane looked down to the dark-haired woman leaning against him with his arms wrapped around her, her face raised towards the night sky and her eyes filled with enchantment.  
He smiled. "All the wonders of nature combined could equal but a fraction of thy beauty," he whispered .   
Her gaze moved from the eclipse to the face of her love. "But be thy beauty removed, and still I am captivated by a true heart, full of love," she whispered back, smiling as her face inched closer to his. "Lament of the Star-Crossed Lovers. One of my favorite plays." Her face was close enough that Zidane could feel her sweet breath on his skin; he looked deep into her eyes as their lips touched-  
"Gu-uys!" whimpered Vivi. "You're missing it!"  
Garnet pulled away abruptly. "Y-yes, it's amazing," she said, though she seemed more interested at the moment in her feet than the sky.  
Vivi looked back up into the sky at the shadow sliding across the moon, slowly blocking it from view. It crept across the white globe for what seemed like hours, until the eclipse was complete and the moon's light gone.  
And that's when, with a scream of rage, Vivi snapped.  
  


* * *

  
Zidane and Garnet both jumped at the sound of the young mage's inhuman cry. Then they simply stood, staring at the boy and wondering what had happened.  
"Vivi?" breathed Garnet finally.  
"The being known as Vivi is dead," the young boy said. His normally gentle, lilting voice had changed; it was now gravelly sounding, menacing. "Now there is only I... EVIL VIVI!" He spun around, cackling wickedly. His eyes, though still the same pale yellow color, seemed to have a new quality, a malevolence that seemed to sear into anyone who looked at the mage.  
Garnet gasped, putting her hand to her mouth and backing away. Zidane, however, stood still, putting his hands on his hips and furrowing his brow. "But that means you're still Vivi," he said.   
"No, I'm not," said Evil Vivi. "I am now... EVIL VIVI!" He cackled again.  
"That makes you still Vivi," insisted Zidane. "Evil is an adjective, which modifies a noun, which in this case is the proper noun Vivi, making you still Vivi, albeit evil." He crossed his arms over his chest defiantly.  
Both Garnet and Evil Vivi stared at Zidane, whose confused look soon changed to one of offense. "C'mon, I've been acting in classical plays for years. Of course I've picked up some grammar!"  
Garnet shook herself from her stupor. "Well, the fact is, for some reason, Vivi is acting evil."  
"He's not doing that, either," pointed out Zidane, finally moving to walk over toward Evil Vivi. "Except for cackling, he hasn't done one evil thi- OW!"  
Evil Vivi giggled maliciously, Zidane's tail still grasped in his small hand. "Is pulling your tail not evil?" he asked sarcastically.  
"Actually, no," said Zidane, pulling his tail from Vivi's grip and rubbing his behind. "Annoying, yes, but evil, no."   
"You must be crazy!" shouted Evil Vivi angrily. "That's incredibly evil! And so is this!" Running over to Garnet, he reached up and slapped her on the bum.  
Garnet shrieked and slapped Evil Vivi, then quickly moved over to Zidane's side. "He really is evil!" she said. "The real Vivi would never do that!"   
"Oh, Vivi's been evil all along," said Evil Vivi. "He just repressed his evil side- which is me! But you don't have to take my word for it." He produced a library book from somewhere and held it out to Zidane.  
Zidane took the book gingerly, as if it would explode, and examined the title on the spine. His eyes widened. "Robert Heinlein's _Stranger in a Strange Land_! He IS evil!" exclaimed Zidane.  
"That's not the best part," said Evil Vivi. "Check out the due date."  
Zidane opened the book's cover and studied the date due slip. His eyes widened, and his trembling hands lost their grip on the book, which fell to the ground with a thud. "This book was due three years ago!" he whispered shakily, backing away from the fallen tome.  
Evil Vivi cackled yet again. "Do you know that Vivi never once rewound a tape before returning it to the video store?" he said, a note of malice creeping into his voice. "Of course, no one probably knew that, because I think he was the only one who frequented the tentacle rape hentai section-"  
"ENOUGH!" cried Zidane, anger suddenly flaring within him. "Enough! I'm convinced you're evil!" He leaned closer to Evil Vivi, peering deeply into the boy's impish yellow eyes. "But don't think for a second I believe that story about the hentai. For one thing, the videos were ALWAYS rewound-"  
"ZIDANE!"  
"Crap."  
"Heeheeheeeee....."  
  


* * *

  
"What is it, Doctor Tot?" Garnet asked. She sat in her former tutor's Treno apartment, eyes wide, hand clasping Zidane's for strength.  
"Well-OW!- it seems-OW! that Vivi-OW has simply-OW! lost it-WILL YOU QUIT THAT??" he screamed to Evil Vivi,who had spent the last half-hour poking the doctor in the arm.   
Evil Vivi giggled, mumbling the word "evil" under his breath.  
"As I was saying," continued Dr. Tot, "Vivi has been under a lot of stress lately. That, combined with his young age and lack of worldly experience, has probably put a lot of strain on his psyche. I believe something about the eclipse triggered some part of his mind to act out. And since Vivi's self-concept doesn't allow him to act out, he created and alternate persona, Evil Vivi, as the perpetrator of the - GET OFF OF THERE!" he screamed, running over to a bookshelf and pulling off Evil Vivi, who had been trying to climb the shelves.  
"Is there anything we can do?" asked Zidane.  
Doctor Tot sighed. "Well, normally I would recommend a course of psychiatric counseling to help him with his underlying issues, combined with cognitive-behavioral therapy to help him deal with his emotions in more constructive ways, and possibly a course of antidepressants. But in this case, I think we can try a new, more experimental therapy. It's called-" he paused dramatically- "Talking Him Out of It."  
"Talking Him Out of It?" repeated Garnet. "What is it?"  
"Well, basically, we talk him out of it," said Doctor Tot. "I suggest we begin therapy now, because IF HE TOUCHES THAT GLOBE AGAIN, HIS ASS IS GRASS AND I'M THE LAWNMOWER!" he screamed toward Evil Vivi, who cackled and scampered away from the large globe that adorned Doctor Tot's apartment.  
  


* * *

  
Zidane and Dr. Tot sat on the floor on either side of Garnet, who held Evil Vivi's squirming form in her arms.  
"Let go of me!" he was shouting. "Put me down, you bi-"  
"Vivi," Garnet interrupted, "It's okay. We still love you, no matter what you do."  
"Yeah," said Zidane. "You're a good person, even if you do bad things every now and then."  
"Right," agreed Dr. Tot. "Why look at Zidane! He was a pillaging, ale-swilling cutthroat, and he saved the world!"  
"Watch it, Doc," muttered Zidane.  
"The point is," continued Garnet, "No matter what's wrong, we're still your friends, and we still care about you."  
Evil Vivi stopped fidgeting. "R-really?" he asked.  
"Of course!" said Garnet.  
"Yup," confirmed Zidane.  
"That's right," affirmed Dr. Tot.  
"But..." Evil Vivi began to fight again. "But I'm evil! I'm a bad, bad kid!"  
"Oh, no, no," soothed Garnet, hugging Evil Vivi close to her. "You're a good person, no matter what! Vivi... Please, try to remember..."  
"No..." moaned Vivi, struggling even harder. "No! I won't be fooled! But..." He began to stop struggling again. "I'm... all alone..."  
"You're not alone," murmured Zidane, reaching over to stroke the small mage's back. "Don't you remember? You have us."  
"I have... you... my friends..." Vivi whispered. He began to sob, burying his face in Garnet's chest. Garnet shushed him and held him close, stroking his back.  
"Lucky bastard," muttered Zidane.  
  


* * *

  
After Vivi calmed down, the three thanked Doctor Tot and began to leave.  
"Wait!" cried Vivi suddenly, as the group walked out the door. He ran back inside Doctor Tot's apartment.   
"What is it?" asked Garnet worriedly, as she and Zidane rushed back in after Vivi.  
Vivi ran over to Doctor Tot. "That means you're really..." He reached up and pulled Doctor Tot's mask off.  
The three gasped.  
"Wayne Rogers!" cried Zidane.  
"That's right," he sneered. "How was I supposed to know M*A*S*H would go on for eight more seasons after I quit? And what the hell was with that Trapper John, M.D. show about? I needed a job, one where millions of fangirls would know my name!" He scowled. "And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling kids and that mage!"  
"B-but that means..." Zidane said, wide-eyed. He pulled off Garnet's mask.  
Zidane and Vivi gasped.  
"Mike Farrel!" exclaimed Vivi.  
"That's right," he sneered. "I could have spent eleven years on M*A*S*H instead of eight, if only I had been cast as Trapper John instead of Wayne Rogers!" He scowled. "And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for you meddling kids and that mage!"  
Zidane and Vivi stood silently for a moment. Then Zidane, pulling Vivi gently along with him by the shoulder, walked toward the door. "Let's go home."  
  
  
~owari~  



	8. Happily Ever After

Title: Happily Ever After  
Author: the random monkey  
Date: 6-3-04 (12:00AM to 12:27AM, a new record in quickness for a crappy fic for me! It would've been even less, but I was also IM'ing my boyfriend.)  
Author's Notes: Yeah, I'm in a cynical mood right now. That, plus I thought this would be funny.  
You remember that episode of The Simpsons where Bart is in the Bible fighting Sampson, and he loses, so Ralph goes to fight Sampson, then they cut to Ralph's tombstone, then Bart fights him again and is about to be killed, but Ralph saves him, and Bart says, "Ralph! I thought you were dead!" and Ralph says, "Nope!" ?  
Yeah, it's kinda like that.  
  
WARNING: MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD!  
  
"How did you come back?" asked Garnet, half sobbing.  
"I had to- I made a promise," said Zidane. "So I sang our song."  
"Oh, that's so romantic!" said Garnet. "Please, say you'll marry me! Say you'll never leave me!"  
"I will, and I won't," said Zidane. They kissed. Everyone cheered.  
"Come on," said Garnet finally, leading him offstage. "Come see how everyone's doing."  
The whole hee-haw gang had assembled in the castle.  
"ZIDAAANE!" screamed Eiko, running up and glomping Zidane. "I'm sooo glad you're back!"  
"I'm glad to see you, too, Eiko, but you can't glomp me anymore. I'm getting married!"  
"Aw, shucks!" said Eiko. "Well, I guess I'll just have to get the hots for some other guy. Did I tell you Regent Cid and Lady Hilda adopted me?"  
"Cool!" said Zidane.  
A bunch of small Black Mages were running around shrieking. Vivi was chasing them around.   
"Vivi!" said Zidane. "I thought you'd be dead by now!"  
"Nope!" said Vivi.  
"But what about the one-year lifespan thing?" asked Zidane.  
Vivi shruged. "It turns out Kuja was making it up."  
"But what about all the mages who died?"  
"I dunno. I guess it was fluke."  
Zidane loked around. "Where'd all these kids come from?"  
"Oh!" said Vivi. "Honey, come here!"   
Another Back Mage walked over. "How do you do?" it said in a squeaky voice.  
"This is my wife, Mrs. 314!" said Vivi proudly.  
"Nice to meet you!" said Zidane, and everyone agreed.  
"And you said he'd never get laid!" joked Eiko to Zidane.  
"Heh... Hey, how're you, Steiner?" said Zidane.  
"I've been great since I had that ass-rod removal surgery!" said Steiner. "Beatrix and I are getting married!"  
"Good for you!" said Zidane, and everyone agreed.  
"And you said he'd-"  
"Freya!" Zidane interrupted. "How are you and Fratley?"  
"Well, Sir Fratley regained his memory and fell in love with me again! And we're getting married too!"  
"I make many yummy-yummy wedding cakes!" said Quina.  
"Wow, seeing all of you so happy has made me decide to take a new lease on life," said Amarant, who'd been leaning against a wall nonchalantly. "I'm going to stop being an asshole, and start a charity fund for kids with birth defects. I'll call it 'Amarant's Kids.'"  
"Well, everything turned out great!" said Zidane. "Let's have a big party!"  
"Yaaaay!" they all chorused in unison.  
"One last thing," said Garnet. "What ever happened to Kuja?"  
"Oh, him?" siad Zidane. "He died! He died in my arms!"  
"Oh," said Garnet.  
  
owari  



End file.
